A one year update...for me.
There's been an awful lot of baby talk around these parts for the past year, and almost two years if you count the 10 months I was pregnant. Babies and more babies, monthly updates, milestones, all of it. Although I try to keep a good balance between baby talk and all of my other content, this is a blog about my life...and that little guy up there is pretty much it. It's been so fun to document all of it, and I'm already enjoying looking back over the past couple of years and feeling even more grateful for this space. I'll be sharing Henry's one year update soon, but I wanted to talk a little bit about this past year and what it's meant for me, too.
It's interesting to think back on my birthing experience. I went into it with these expectations of wanting to have a natural birth, and although I did end up having one (at least until my emergency c-section), it was still a total departure from what I had envisioned. I think that could be the theme of my first year of motherhood: "a total departure from what I had envisioned." Most of the time better, some of the time worse, I don't think I could have prepared for it any more than I had...you just have to take it as it comes. And most of all that goes for my birthing experience. I've talked about it before, but I had this idea in my head of how I wanted it to go. And in reality, it was the farthest thing from that. I never got upset about having a c-section though, and like I wrote about in my birth story, I feel very strongly that my experience was just as beautiful than if I would have delivered the way I had originally hoped. A birth is a birth, no matter what way it happens.
Emotionally the past year has been up and down, as expected. I remember the first month after I had Henry- I felt sad from time to time, but nothing over-powering. Most of all I found myself feeling distressed over various things- I wasn't doing a good job as a Mom, I felt unsure of myself, or that time was going by so quickly. When H. was only four days old I remember crying to Hank that he would never, ever be this age again, and tomorrow when he was five days old I would have lost another day. It's bizarre to think that I was thinking of all of that time as lost- what a strange mindset I was in. That mood lasted a week or so and then either my hormones regulated or I just started feeling better, but overall my mood evened out and I didn't find myself crying at the drop of a hat. I've had a bit of a background in dealing with depression, and because of that I was almost expecting to deal with full-blown post-partum depression after having Henry- in a way I felt like I was waiting for it. I kept questioning the sad feelings I had, wondering if they were more than just hormones. It never came though, and I'm still a little surprised, but also very grateful.
I think one of the most difficult parts of being a new Mom is not feeling like yourself. You have a new role to fill, a new job to learn, and all the while you're trying to accept this new version of you. Through this experience I've discovered a new respect and awe for myself, my body, and what its accomplished, but there were also days in the beginning where I felt totally down on myself. Post-birth I dealt with all sorts of things from hair loss, horrible acne, dry scalp, and really just an overall change in my normally well-behaved skin and hair. Luckily the thinning I experienced at my temples stopped fairly quickly and now that I've weaned Henry my skin is getting clear again, my scalp is back to normal, and my hair has grown back. It's so odd and pretty ironic that I experienced all of these weird side effects post-pregnancy, but I had the easiest, most smooth sailing pregnancy ever. Of course! ;)
On the Henry front, we were lucky to have what people call an "easy" baby (which inevitably means that our next little one will be the opposite, right?), although I can't really gauge easy or hard because Henry is all I know. He still isn't much of a crier, sleeps very well, and always has. So we were lucky in that department. But there were still those nights when Henry wouldn't sleep, when he would cry for hours on end and we didn't know what to do. I remember feeling like I wasn't doing anything right, snapping at Hank, and feeling kind of...helpless.
Sad moods and hard night aside though, this past year has been filled with more joy than I could ever convey in a blog post. I feel like I am doing exactly what I should be doing, and I feel confident in myself as a mother. I've never, ever been happier. Becoming a Mom is the coolest thing that's ever happened to me, but it took a long time to feel like I was doing it right. Just when you think you have the hang of it, something changes- either your routine, sleeping, baby starts teething, whatever. It's a life long learning process, I'm figuring out. And now, almost a year later I can say I'm feeling pretty good.
If I've learned anything over the past year, it would have something to do with being flexible and realizing that I am not perfect. Not that I ever thought I was, but somewhere in this head of mine I had unrealistic expectations about what it meant to be a Mom. I learned that I'll probably end up doing things I said I'd never do, and probably never do some of the things I was so adamant about. Having a baby does change you; it changes every single thing in your life. From the relationship with your partner to your friendships, every aspect of life shifts into something new. But most of all, over the past twelve months I've grown up a lot, and also grown into myself. I know who I want to be and the kind of Mom and wife I want to be too. I realize that everything I do has a direct effect on Henry, and the kind of person he becomes is hugely based on what he learns from Hank and me. It's comforting, scary, but most of all incredibly exciting. Sometimes I take a step back and look at Henry and think "WE MADE THAT?!" It's unreal. It's been an amazing year, and I'm so excited to see what's next.
I also wanted to thank you all for reading along with me on this journey- from my pregnancy all the way up until now...when I step back and take a look at how neat that is, I'm reminded again of how thankful I am for all of your thoughtful comments, emails and tweets. I appreciate each and every one of you!
p.s. I'm working on a post about weaning Henry- he's fully weaned now and I'm feeling great about it. I'm hoping to share some thoughts about that next week! xo
A tattoo is body art
Tattoo Tuesday V.99
Name and blog name: Jayme (aka Baby J) http://snowxpea.blogspot.com/ (I admittedly do not update as often as i should) also http://babyxj.tumblr.com/
Age: 31
Occupation: Makeup Artist
Age of first tattoo: 18
Favorite tattoo: This is a hard one! At the moment my favorites are my knee and my American Nightmare tattoo. Both done my Mr. Lindsey Carmichael
Featured tattoo/location: "We are the fortunate ones" script on my thigh
Artist/shop/location of feature tattoo: Mr. Lindsey Carmichael at Gold Rush Tattoo in Costa Mesa, CA
1) Tell us about your featured tattoo- is there a background story about why you chose it, or maybe a special meaning?
I was going through a hard time recently and someone I've adored for years made me a sweet little mix to get me through it. The first song that played was a cover of American Nightmare's song Farewell. The lyrics struck a chord like never before. I called Lindsey and scheduled the appointment almost immediately. I didn't tell my friend that i was getting the words tattooed on me. It filled my heart to carry the words with me everyday. My friend was really surprised and loved it!
2) Do you have any other tattoos? If so, what do you have and where?
I have so many! Adorable on my knuckles, don't cry with a little tear drop on my lower knuckles. Inside my fingers I have the lyrics "hold on to my hand and go, this time it lasts forever" on my left hand I have a heart locket with a rope tying a key to it. On my right hand I have a blue and gold rose with an eye shooting bolts from the center of the rose. On my left arm I have: a rose and candle with my grandmothers name in a banner, portraits of Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein, Damien from the Omen and Karen Cooper the little girl character from the Night of the Living Dead. I also have a TCB bolt on my left wrist. And "Kissyface" in script on my shoulder with my friends birthdate under it. I got it when he passed away. On my right arm i have: a love letter that reads "Kick Rocks," a sinking ship, a rose and dagger that has a banner that reads "Bless the Dead," Misfits lyrics in my ditch "Some kinda love". I have a decapitated girls head that says "Pretty girls make graves". On the back of my right arm I have a Bad Brains PMA tattoo. Just above it I recently got a matching tattoo with a close friend that says "Bigger than the sky" as in I love him that much. I have an old nautical star with a MOM banner and an anchor just below that. Can't forget a tattoo for my friend Jayce. His name in a banner over a cowboy hat inside my right arm. I also have my best girls name tattooed on the top of my right shoulder.
On my chest I have a shitty cover up haha. A butterfly of sorts covering some old stars. I have skull roses on the front of both shoulders. And "Pray For Me" script across my collarbone. On my neck I have two roses, an X on my throat and on OM on the back of my neck. I also have bats behind both ears.
On my lower stomach I have a large Danzig skull. On my left rib area i have script that reads "When we are together, we are untouchable". On my left leg I have the Joy Division: Unknown Pleasures album cover, a portrait of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and a scythe that says "reap what you sow". On my right leg I have quite a bit more! A bright green panther, a gold tooth, two hearts that are locked together, a nurse with a red cross and blue roses, a gurty special (if you know, you know) a suitcase with hearts that says 'Meet me at the Flo!" (my favorite floridian diner) a beautiful Tudor rose on my knee, "We are the fortunate ones" script on my thigh, bright orange pumpkins on my thigh with a haunted house on my thigh, a tea pot that reads "elevenses" on it. (LOTR nerds know). Under the kettle I also have an Alkaline Trio heart and skull. On my feet I have a pig and a rooster. as well as some cherry blossoms.
And two baby anchors on the sides of my face :)
3) Do you plan on getting more?
ABSOLUTELY. Why stop now??
4) How do your family and friends feel about your tattoo(s)? Have you run into any adversity or negativity because of them? Do you have a significant other? Does he/she have tattoos?
My mom always says she will love me as long as I don't tattoo my face.. WELL.. I did that too and she still loves me. My brother loves me no matter what and honestly as long as I have those two, thats what matters most.
I run into negativity about my tattoos almost daily. 99% of the time its from people I've never met. I find that people seem to think that since I'm heavily tattooed that they can talk to me as harshly or as rudely as they want. So there is never a shortage of shit comments coming my way. Often times I just make the situation into a joke about them or I laugh with my friends about how ignorant they were. I'm overly nice so the situation occasionally lasts way longer than it would ever last for someone else.
I recently moved across country and while I do not have a current significant other, I do have someone that brightens my days. He has tattoos of course.
5) What's the most interesting experience you've ever had in regards to your tattoos? This can be something someone said to you, a weird tattooing experience, whatever.
I have had all sorts of things said to me but there are two that stand out..
When I lived in Florida, a woman who worked at Publix (a grocery store in Florida) was giving me a really hard time while i was buying a money order. She went on and on about how she couldn't believe anyone would hire me and that she herself would never consider hiring me based on my appearance alone. The funny part about this very rude altercation was that the woman herself had her hands tattooed!
My first day at my new job a young man and his friends approached me while I was stuffing my face on a bench outside my work. He complimented my "Obama" tattoo several times.. I just kept saying "what Obama tattoo?" Then his friends started laughing and pointed to it and said, "that's not OBAMA! thats a monster!!" It was Frankenstein.
6) Any advice for those interested in getting tattooed but haven't gotten one yet?
Definitely do your research. From experience I can say that I could have gotten some way better tattoos earlier on if I had paid more attention and sought out better artists. Right now social media is making it SO easy to search out great artists and they are ALL over!! A lot of them are doing guest spots and traveling the globe! It makes it way easier to get work from artists you may not have been able to get in with otherwise. Also, as much as you might want to let your friends practice on you, in the long run you will likely regret it. I have a lot of work from artists who were just starting out. And it shows.
PS. don't go to your homie's cousin's friend that tattoos in his bedroom. PLEASE...
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